High Conflict: Lessons in Leadership
Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing New York Times bestselling author Amanda Ripley on my podcast. Our conversation focused on her latest book, High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out (Ripley, 2021). Ripley distinguishes between two types of conflict:
• Everyday disputes that, when managed well, propel us forward.
• High conflict—the kind that spirals into self-perpetuating cycles, like the legendary and multi-generational Hatfield-McCoy feud.
The latter derails organizations, poisons relationships, and keeps people locked in zero-sum battles where “winning” is the only objective.
Looking back on my career, I wish someone had forced me—yes, forced—to take a course (or several) in conflict resolution and mediation. The National Conflict Resolution Center and Ripley’s Good Conflict are two organizations that offer excellent training programs. These skills would have been invaluable in my leadership journey, and I suspect they are essential for just about anyone in a leadership role.
Because let’s be honest: conflict is constant. And more often than not in the school leadership context, the hardest conflicts to navigate aren’t with students—they’re with adults.
Unprepared to Manage Conflict
When I first stepped into leadership nearly two decades ago, I believed I was prepared for a lot of things:
• Closing the achievement gap
• Data-driven decision-making
• Governance
• Policy development
• Legal compliance
• Etc, etc, etc ….
What I wasn’t prepared for? The sheer volume and complexity of conflict that comes with leading a school—or, really, any organization involving human beings.
A friend recently asked me if, after 30+ years in public education, I was tired of the students and their “stuff” (he may or may not have used another word).
“You know, all the conflicts. The arguments. The fights.”
I shook my head and laughed. “The kids? They’re the easy part. It’s the adults that wear you down.”
And I say that without judgment—because I am one of those adults. I’m sure plenty of people have pointed to me as the source of their frustration and conflict at some point. But that’s the reality: Conflict is human and it’s inevitable. The only question is how we handle it.
Understanding High Conflict
Ripley describes high conflict as a self-sustaining cycle where “the conflict becomes the destination. There is nowhere else to go” (Ripley, 2021).
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